travail en cours

My laptop is infested. INFESTED! Not with the kind of bugs that plague computers running Windows Vista but real, live ants.

Rewind to several days ago…

The discovery of some syrupy coagulated substance jamming the top right-hand-side of my spacebar, evidenced in this IM - 

11 Jul 22:02 

 me: Iboughta bigfatfreshpecorino  what happened to my spacebar? 

R: lol 

me: shit  there’s food stuck in my space bar

22:03 

R: how was the rest of your Friday evening? 

me: okay  I w22:04 this spacebar jam is outofcontrol  went home after dins and avoided all RBTs

Which is thought to have been resolved in this IM - 

after work?

23:05 

me:hey waitup I haveto go prysome stickyshitoffmykeyboard 

s: ?  so are you free for tomorrow?

23:09 

me: argh!  that’s betterI think it was dulce de lecheor some kind of caramel

23:10 

s: gross

And returning to today - 

R: the monkey

15:58 me: AHHHHHH! 

R: ?  how was this confusing?

15:59 

me: remember when my spacebar was stuck with sticky food?  my keyboard is infested with ANTS!  ANTS! 

R: argh 

me: crawling out of my keyboard like some sci-fi/horror movie plague 

R: lol 

me: ugh 

R: oh16:00 so the “AHHHHH” was horror at ants, not light-bulb appearing over your head me: don’t get those light bulb moments much  they would be more like an  Ah-Hah!

19 minutes

16:20 

R: you still haven’t explained the monkey 

me: who couldn’t love a monkey?

Why did I tell Gmail to direct Fairfax updates straight into the Spam-can? Only now do I realise it’s 3 weeks to the City-to-Surf. I lost track of time (as per usual), so now I really have to start making a last minute effort to get ready.

Things to do :

• Look up the course, start times and areas.
• Update Nike Running App on the iPhone. The whole thing has been buggy as hell.
• Go running. (When I get over this cold.)
• Maybe buy some of those fancy running pants and other performance enhancing paraphernalia (such as sweat bands and Sports drinks with electrolytes).
• Go to the doctor and get a prescription for Ventolin and Seretide.
• Check Race Guidelines to see if Segways are permitted.
• Find Segway Rentals and compare daily or hourly rates.*

and most importantly-

• Make an absolutely awesome C2S Playlist! I imagine It will take me around 3 hours? So 3 hours of motivational muzak is a must.

* For those who have a fascination with ironic (nonetheless tragic) deaths, the untimely demise of Jimi Heseldon (Segway Company Owner not Inventor) is one to read.

I also found some Vimeo news and important user updates from Skype recently - (My credit is going to expire?!) nestled amongst the Viagara and penis enlargement advertisements.

It’s a sad life when you realise you’re searching through your Junkmail for meaningful correspondence.  

• This ship has sailed.
• Forget about us, you need to fix yourself!
• We can’t go on like this.
• I know that you don’t love me anymore.
• I take back everything I said, please delete my emails (Facebook message).
• This is just no fun.
• I’ve got therapy but there’s no cure for being a deadset arsehole.
• NEVER CALL ME AGAIN. (SMS)
• I hope the memory of her wonderfulness keeps you warm at night.
• Stay the F**K away from me! (SMS)
• I wish you the best.
• We have fundamentally different values.
• But my mum really likes you! (IM)
• You’re okay for a dumper (Google chat).
• Since you haven’t called or returned any of my emails, I don’t think you have the requisite amount of affection to want to be with me (email).
• It’s been nice knowing you (with handshake).
• It feels bad now, but you’ll feel better tomorrow.
• I’m not in love with someone else. I’m not in love with you.
• Is this because I don’t have a job?
• You deserve to be happy.
• Can I get my stuff please?
• I can’t give you what you need.
• There’s someone out there for you.
• But I love you!

What are some of your favourites?

Email me cause I gots no phone. I done left it somewhere again and forgot. They needs to make a Smart phone for the stupidest people. This is discriminations.

It’s a wondrous age. I count my blessings to be living in a time of power-steering, major advances in psychiatry and neuroscience, zero-calorie soft drink and the imminent life-changing promise of cloud-computing. (Although I would be happy to give that all up to be jetting about in a Vespa, my hair pinned up in a perfectly stiff and intact beehive, sans-helmet in 1960s Paris, even if I would be shifting uncomfortably on the seat from a primitively-size sanitary pad). But how is that on an ordinary day I can experience such modern-day marvels like going to a restaurant bathroom and pressing a button to change the toilet seat cover or witness a pre-speech infant swipe a television screen thinking that it would change the channel like a touch-screen iPad and still have the problem of a permanently sticky mouse and trackpad?! You would think some enterprising programmer/inventor/tinkerer with a penchant for consuming sweet snacks while browsing gaming forums would have put his/her brilliant mind to the question of how to keep these surfaces ‘sugar-free’. 

Let’s take inspiration from nature - mice groom themselves. (Although some mice with PTSD get a bit OCD about it and it’s quite heartbreaking to see them lick themselves bald.) Why can’t my computer mouse be self-cleaning? Why can’t my trackpad have a little auto-wiper to sweep away the crumbs, miscellaneous debris and the icing-powder from my kourambiedes?

Now that’s an engineering problem worth solving. Consider it a ‘green’ solution in the quest to curb climate change. Using up a steady supply of moist towelettes is getting to my eco-conscience. But not enough to stop me eating cake and blogging simultaneously.